i just can't decide if i want to starve for a month & lose it all and then spend the next month reversing the effects of the starvation & trying to maintain my weight or if i want to just lose 'the healthy way' and just lose a few pounds a week. 2 isn't good enough for me. i would be going for 3 a week. so in 2 months i could lose 24 pounds. and supposedly it's easier to keep off the weight if you do it this way.
i'm also probably making the switch from vegetarian to vegan in a couple of weeks. (a friend of mine is converting to fruititarian and we are both going to do a week long juice fast to jumpstart this). and i don't want to be a junk food vegan. i want to change my eating syle completely & get healthy. so maybe that will help. i'm not doing this as some temporary little fad. i want this to be permanent.
i want to be healthy. i really do. but i also hate looking at myself being so fat & disgusting. so then i think well i'll just lose it all quick. but every time i've done this i gain it all back and then some. and i'm tired of it. but for some reason i still want to. i also don't want to lose too quickly because i don't want my friend and her family to know. i don't want to ruin our friendship with this. so if it's gradual it will be okay. plus since i'm going vegan that can be an excuse incase anyone notices.
everything points to doing it the 'healthy way' but for some reason my mind still wants to resist.
sometimes i really just wish 'ana' would go away.
i've been trying really hard not to be mia. i know it's bad for my teeth & my throat and all of that. but i do still think about it a lot. i hate feeling full.
i feel like i'm addicted to food sometimes. because even though i really don't want to eat, i do. it's so stupid.
and recently i've been craving things like chips and soda, which i despise. o.o it's just been really odd.
i'm hoping maybe i can just do this 'healthy' thing and maybe that will help me with all of this. if i can just stick with it for 2 months & can look back at pictures from now and say 'wow, i really have lost weight.' and i'll be healthy. not putting all of these weird chemicals into my body. maybe i can learn to love myself.
gosh i hope so. because hating myself is so tiring. lol really though, it is.
Current Mood: 
sick
Current Music: teenage dirtbag - weezer
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